Why bother?

The older I get, the less energy I have for conversations that feel like I’ve been cornered at a family reunion by someone who wants to tell me about the personalities of each of their cats (this actually happened once).

Now listen – I like to talk. I can go on about my kids, my job, what I made for dinner last night, that weird dream I had about trying to return a lawnmower to a gas station (still don’t know what that was about). And I genuinely like hearing about other people’s lives, too. I always thought that’s how conversations worked – you talk, I talk, we generally care about each other’s weekends. You know, the usual.

But lately? I’m starting to think a lot of people never got that memo.

More and more, I find myself in what can only be described as… monologues with witnesses. One person starts talking – usually about themselves – and then the other person waits just long enough to jump in and say, “Yeah, yeah… well I…” and off they go. 

No follow-up questions. No, “Wow, how did that make you feel?” Just two people waiting for their turn to speak, like a bad improv class where nobody’s listening.

Not long ago, someone told me their spouse’s parent had died. I was genuinely sorry to hear that. I asked how their spouse was doing, if the parent had been sick, and I even shared that I’d lost my own dad and understood how much work and emotion goes into all that.

Their response? “Yeah.”

Just… yeah.

Then they immediately pivoted to something unrelated. I don’t remember what it was about but frankly, it felt like a weird direction after talking about death.

And it hit me: this is a pattern. This same person has “talked at me” for years, and I usually walk away from our conversations wondering why I feel like I just sat through a podcast I didn’t subscribe to.  

So, now I avoid them. Not in a dramatic, duck-behind-the-bushes-display kind of way or anything. It’s more of a quiet retreat. A little social self-defense.

Is that selfish of me? Maybe. But I don’t think it’s asking too much to want a conversation where both people are actually present. I’ll listen to someone for an hour no problem if I feel like they care about me enough to return the favor someday. But lately, with some people at least,  it’s starting to feel like I’m giving a “TED Talk” while the audience is scrolling on their phones.

The other day, someone asked “How are you doing?” – you know, the way people ask when they don’t really want to know. Just out of sheer curiosity (and a bit of mischief), I said, “I’m having a real crap day. Are you sure you want to ask me that?”

They stared at me as if they were stricken. Then they walked away. Didn’t even fake a chuckle.

I even said it with a smirk! I wasn’t unloading a mid-life crisis on them. I was being funny! But nope. Too real. Too weird. Back away slowly.

Years ago, I used to mow lawns for an old guy who had the best line when someone asked how he was doing: “I’m barely making it.” He’d grin, they’d laugh, and that was the end of it. I’ve started using it too – whether I’m actually “barely making it” or having the best day ever. It throws people off just enough to see if they’re paying attention.

I sometimes wonder if people used to be better at this. Back in the day, Sunday afternoon visits were a thing. People dropped by unannounced, drank coffee and had a little dessert probably, and just… talked.

Did they actually listen back then? Or was it just the same thing, but in better clothes and worse coffee?

Maybe I’m being too hard on people. Maybe the world has made us all a little more self-involved. We have definitely retreated into our own worlds and are no longer as social with one another; in person, anyway.

Or maybe I’ve just grown tired of spending my limited emotional energy on conversations where the other person is clearly just waiting for their next line.

I’m not asking for deep philosophical debates. Just maybe the occasional, “Hey, how’s your dad doing?” instead of, “That reminds me of me!”

But hey – if we run into each other and you ask how I’m doing, just know there’s a small chance I’ll tell you the truth. Don’t be scared. It’s only a little honesty. And maybe a little sarcasm. But I promise, I’ll ask how you’re doing, too.

And, I will also care.