I’ve taken an informal poll of the last several weddings I’ve been to and I’ve decided to add my judgmental attitude toward weddings and vows to my growing list of “Reasons I’m an Old Fogie and Certified Curmudgeon.”

I think my attitude toward many weddings ties right in with what our modern society is doing to girls these days.

Follow along for my explanation. Bear with me as I wander off on a tangent. I travel that way more often than I should.

I’ve told you before that I cringe when I hear people proudly describing the celebrated female in their lives as “sassy.” Maybe my definition of sassy is different than everyone else’s. Maybe when they say “sassy,” they mean “confident” and “strong.” But somewhere along the line, it feels like we decided raising strong girls automatically means raising them to be sassy.

And I don’t like that.

Now, before you send me letters written in red ink, let me say this: females have been downtrodden and pushed aside since the beginning of time. I’m grateful for the strides women have made. I hope we continue to empower ladies in every healthy and appropriate way possible.

If anything in that paragraph sounded out of touch, forgive me. I am, after all, leaning into my old-fogie brand.

I’ll even go one step further and bring up the Bible, which makes some people cringe too.

Parts of Scripture have been pulled out and used for good – and for not so good. If you cherry-pick verses without reading the whole context, you’ll end up convinced Christians just want women barefoot and permanently stationed in the kitchen.

That’s not what the whole story says.

Yes, there are verses about wives submitting to husbands. But there are also verses about husbands loving their wives sacrificially, serving their families, and behaving in ways that make “lording over” someone look downright foolish. 

If you read the entire blueprint, you’ll see it paints a picture of partnership, not dictatorship.

Even if you’re skeptical of that, I challenge you to read it for yourself. Don’t rely on the squawkers on either side.

Now, back to my regularly scheduled grumbling: wedding speeches.

I’ve noticed a theme lately. During the toasts, fathers grin at the groom and warn him to get used to saying “Yes, dear.” Bridesmaids announce that the bride has always been the boss and that the groom better learn it quickly. 

Mothers sweetly inform the crowd that their daughter doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, and doesn’t intend to start.

Everyone laughs. I laugh too. I’m not immune to a good punchline.

But underneath the laughter, I start to twitch.

Because, sometimes the well-intentioned comedy sounds less like humor and more like a preview of a one-person monarchy. It’s as if we’re setting the couple up for a marriage where individuality reigns supreme and partnership gets put on the backburner.

Here’s my old-fashioned thought: maybe we should emphasize the marriage more than the monarchy.

Marriage is not always 50-50. Sometimes it’s 80-20. Sometimes it’s 20-80. Sometimes it’s 100-0 because one of you has the flu and the other one is holding down the fort with chicken soup and a prayer or two.

But both people have to show up willing to contribute.

I once heard of a mother-in-law who comes to her married daughter’s home and does laundry for everyone – except the husband. Apparently he can fend for himself.

That might sound small, but it’s one of the most detrimental and stupidest things I’ve ever heard. Mother-in-laws are important. They can be wonderful supporters. But they shouldn’t be quietly widening the gap between husband and wife. 

In moments like that, even a sweet little mother-in-law can turn into an instrument of division.

Wives, whether you were a princess to your daddy or not, your husband will need you to pull your weight. He’s not going to work all day, mow the yard, cook supper, scrub bathrooms, and then gently feed you bon-bons while you recline on a couch full of  pillows.

And husbands, if you’re listening, this isn’t your cue to puff out your chest. You’re not marrying a maid or a cruise director. You’re marrying a partner.

Hear me, you kids?

Once the wedding is planned and church is swept up, the real work begins. 

Marriage requires giving up a portion of yourself and investing it into something bigger than you. And whew – just wait until children enter the picture. That’s when you find out real quick who’s wearing the pants, and the answer is usually “whoever isn’t holding the baby at that exact moment.”

Sometimes, each of you has to cram both legs into each side of the pants and it’s like a weird sack race at a picnic; only the race keeps going and the finish line is nowhere in sight.

So here’s my small suggestion to future wedding speech-givers: keep the jokes. We need the laughter. 

But maybe sprinkle in a little advice about teamwork. About sacrifice. About being helpmates to one another instead of competitors for the throne.

Just a thought from your neighborhood curmudgeon.