Do you know people who are so hard-headed that they seem as if they will never get it?

I like to think I could easily qualify if I didn’t have conversations with myself about how to behave. I feel like you have to keep yourself in check.

I learned a long time ago that I could lead a happier life if I could admit I did wrong once in a while.  When I arrived at the day where I was willing to take ownership of behavior and actually ask forgiveness of people, it was a freeing thing. It also helped me know not to be a doormat and not to put up with people when they were out of line. It just felt like my head was straighter when I could be honest with myself.

I know some people who say and do whatever they want, make excuses for themselves when they are called out on anything, and basically manipulate or bully to cover up for themselves. I know people who get mad at a person who is mad at them, and just make the situation worse.

So many people need to take a good, hard look at themselves. Is someone upset with you or did someone misunderstand you?  Talk to them about it. If someone is upset with you, you either said something that really did offend them or you said something that they took wrong.

Now, I also know people who say things like “I’m sorry you took that wrong,” or “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.” OK, those are half-apologies in my book.  

If someone is offended or upset, can we just say “I know you are upset, and that wasn’t my intention,”  or  “I didn’t mean to come across the way I did when we spoke?”

Some people have such pride and are so self-centered that they simply can’t bring themselves to admit wrongdoing, or in their minds, lower themselves to an apology.

I have a good friend who is a recovered alcoholic after many years. Apparently, when my friend stopped drinking, the crowd who used to go out after work stopped going out. My friend had been the ringleader, and no one really wanted to go or be around my friend when the drinking was going on.

“I had a whole lot of apologies to make when I found out how I’d made people feel,” said my friend.  “It took a lot for me, since that wasn’t my personality and I struggled with selfishness and pride. Telling everyone I was sorry was almost as hard as stopping drinking.”

Some people find it much, much easier just to stop speaking. They leave things unsaid and the wound festers. Every time they think of it, there is an aching feeling. 

This was especially prevalent a couple of generations ago. We hear stories of people not speaking the rest of their lives. I know of siblings, parents, family members, dear friends and community members not speaking due to some altercation.

We once lived by two little old ladies who lived just a few steps from one another. This was in our early married life, and I often took odd jobs in the summer to supplement my lucrative teaching salary. While I was painting one lady’s house, I often wondered about these two neighbors.  Finally one day, I heard the whole story from the lady I was painting for.

She ended her story with “I really never knew why we stopped speaking.” I felt pretty bold that day and I asked “Did you ever just ask her?”

The lady I was painting for puffed up with pride and said “No. If she has a problem she can talk to me or she can just get over it. I didn’t do anything to her.”

Turns out she did do something. Years before, she had inadvertently  made a rude remark about the other lady’s husband and had no idea the remark had offended the other lady. The lady I painted for found this out a couple of years later through a mutual friend. By then, the silence had gone on so long that neither lady felt any need to resume the friendship, and I’ll bet money that the lady I painted for had the attitude of “How dare she be mad at me!”

I always thought it was a shame. They were both widows. They had things in common like flowers and gardens, and they could have visited one another’s porches or walked uptown together. If only they had talked about their issue.  

I think the reason people don’t communicate is fear. They are afraid to let their guard down. Peaceful resolution of conflict scares them, so they act all tough and briefly confrontational, which only makes matters worse.

I once heard a lady, whose husband was having a near nervous breakdown, say she let her husband “have it” one day by saying “You better get over this and straighten up.” I always wondered how things progressed with them. Did they have an ongoing, happy marriage? Did the man ever truly heal from his breakdown? I mean really, I’m not one for wallowing in self-pity, but I wonder how much better it would have been if the wife had shown an ounce of compassion or wondered how she could have helped.

But that seems to be the way of life from a few generations back: Be harsh, angrily tell people to get over things, and definitely don’t let go of your pride. Never say you’re sorry. Never admit you’re wrong. If someone is upset with something you said or did, get mad at them for being mad. How dare they be upset at such a perfect person as you.

It’s screwed up logic, in my book. It’s been my experience that talking it out when possible is way more productive.  

But sadly, some people are never going to get it.

So, will my preaching inspire you to mend fences with someone or resolve a conflict?  I’m writing this because I did just that: let my guard down and owned my feelings. I apologized, even though I didn’t get one back.  

And it all worked out.

 I felt like a little kid on the playground. You remember, don’t you? When there would be a conflict and the teacher would make us shake hands?