It occurs to me quite often how many of us spend an enormous amount of time trying to be proactive with people. 

If you are a people pleaser like me and you’ve lived your life as one, you get to a point where you are just done with it.

I’m at that point.

I see it in my kids, somewhat. I think it’s something that you may inadvertently “pass down” – the need to make sure everyone is happy, the need to make sure no one gets their feelings hurt.  

They  need to make sure there’s a feel-good vibe at all times.

It can be exhausting.

When I was getting ready to turn 50, I talked to a couple of gents who were well into their 70s and 80s, respectively. They felt the need to give me advice on growing older. It was awesome to hear about their lives and how they got along in the professional world.  

Man, how thankful I am to know some guys who gladly share wisdom as I soak it up like a sponge.  

One of the gentlemen told me that he felt like he got to be pretty good at making people happy in the corporate world.  

“You can always find something that is going to make all parties involved happy,” he said. “Well, most of the time. You end up asking people what they want to happen, and usually there is at least a portion of a compromise that can be met.”

The other guy chimed in and was in agreement. But he said there were people who were always “boo-hooing” around, feeling left out or picked on, and no amount of placating or discussion would help.  

“Some people don’t want to be satisfied or happy, and you can’t work with those people,” he said. “They can’t see any positives. After a while, you just get to where you move on without them. They have to wallow in their own crap and it’s not your job to make them feel better.  You’ve got a job to do.”

And he didn’t use the word crap either, as you may have guessed.

I find myself working pretty hard to build people up or make them feel needed and important. But, as these two friends of mine agreed, you can only do so much for people. After a while, those people have to make the decision to feel better about things, let go of things that are weighing them down. 

It is not our job to make people feel better. Oftentimes, we end up spending more time doing such things than we do taking care of our own families or our own self-care.

“I knew an old boy who was constantly being passed over to move up at work, and he was always down in the mouth afterwards. I’d always buy him coffee and give him a pep talk. But after a while, I realized that his attitude was the reason he wasn’t being promoted, and I just sort of stopped trying to help him.  I think he must have eventually realized it himself or convinced the boss he was OK, because he ended up making more money than I did,” said one of my friends with a laugh.

Both of my friends agreed that we shouldn’t have to take it upon ourselves to change people’s attitudes about things or themselves and that there was only so much one could do for a person.

In the end, something needs to happen for them to take a hard look at themselves.  

As one of these wise friends said: “You can get plum worn out doing too much for other people if you’re not careful.”

Very true.